I need the doctor

I need her so bad. Her name is Fernanda Rossi. And with the way she writes and talks (I haven’t met her in person but her voice is so distinct when she writes), it seems rather impossible to pay her. She is the story consultant to Academy winners and festival regulars. Over the weekend, d-word, the documentary forum where I am a member but officially only a lurker, is hosting a 5-day “conversation” with the documentary doctor Fernanda Rossi. I am hanging on to every word she writes, desperate to have an illuminating moment where the angels appear behind me or a lightbulb pops above my head.
I’m willing to run on the street naked if the moment comes.

She’s trying to tell us frantic and lost filmmakers the things you can do with the unimaginable hours of footage that one has amassed. I listen to her wisdom, trying to see how I can apply it but I just wish she had a wand and touched my timeline and voila! My story telling becomes compelling, my faulty structure…cured. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

But it is not that wonderful. And my falling hair is at an alarming rate. I am given to spurts of unreasonable anger towards the Dude. I am given to slapping the fat cat because he’s there, unperturbed by my perturbed state. I am careless about slabbing butter all over my keyboard, as I monstrously eat copious amounts of popcorn or toast with cinnamon and butter absentmindedly. And now I know why we are given to paying exorbitant amounts to be saved by the doctor. To fly her in all the way from New York and do her thing now sounds such a small price to pay. But I think the Swedish funders might smirk in disapproval. And I wish them not to smirk. I wish them to smile when they see the lovely documentary that they have invested in: “Vat a vundervul movie from such luverly woman.” I vant them to zmile in apprufal. And the Koreans too. And Teddy Co. Especially Teddy Co.

I’m beginning to daydream about my deus ex machina.

The Doctor : Wow! Such compelling material. If only you can do this (she touches the monitor with her dainty fingers)…and transpose it here (then she kind of twitches the clips on the monitor a la Minority Report) and look at that.

Monster : It’s just as it should be!

The Doctor : Prepare your calendar because it’s going to be a busy year for festivals and broadcast and interviews and all documentary glory.

Monster : [blushing and speechless]

And the Doctor rides in her pumpkin carriage and is off to save another documentary in distress.

And I become a beautiful princess with less hair.